I wake this morning feeling pretty ordinary, then I received a text message from my sister-in-law that was very thoughtful and said “thinking of you today, hope you remember lovely memories about your mum”. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Today was the anniversary of my mums passing seven years ago it's been in my subconscious for many weeks now, but it just didn't occur to me when I woke this morning. I wonder if this is why I’ve been feeling so off. I start to cry and then put on my sunglasses so my kids don't see. I just don't have the energy to explain myself.
We are quiet on the way to school, and after I drop them off the sadness runs out of every cell of my body like a tap turned on full. I'm almost sobbing as I try to drive home. You think for some reason when you grow up that you can get past the point of needing to speak to your mum, but I'm here to tell you that you don't. I know she may not have the answers for me and I know she also may say something that could tick me off, but there are times in your life when you just want to speak to your Mum. When you are unsure about what to do, when you feel like the world is against you, when you just need an unconditional hug and gentle soothing voice to tell you its going to be alright.
When you don't have your Mum who else do you talk too? I didn't call one of my sisters because they have their own way of remembering and grieving her loss. I've had experiences in the past were called in to talk about this day and I feel like I've made their day worse. I can't call my husband because I feel like he is already burdened with his own stuff and I don't want to add to his load, not today anyway…. Yes this is something for me to work on – feeling ok about sharing my load, I am far too independent sometimes and. I truly struggle with the idea of burdening someone else, but hey guys pile it on me I can cope!!!
I get home from the school run and I have an hour before I am meant to be at a business meeting. I look like Kermit the frog (2 big swollen bug eyes from crying) and I know I'm going to be useless at work right now. So I make my second good decision of the day, and that is to go for a walk instead of push through the work.